12/26/2016

If only everyone knew, how I truly feel! Walk one day in my shoes, and go through what I do. In the last three months, I have lost everyone and everything around me. Who wouldn’t be depressed, upset, confused, or so on right? I feel like I am getting pulled under water, and can’t move! Just got to decide to fight like hell and stay above water. Or do I simply just give up?

Recent Events(2) Needing advice!

September of this year, I found a home and we were moving. Everything was looking up for us.  My husband, at home finally every night. I mean what spouse or child wouldn’t be happy after years of truck driving, or military always having him away. We had a community that cared, and came over to personally invited us to church. We didn’t miss a Sunday afterwards. A school that cared about the kids as individuals. They went above and beyond for each student. No bullying, no issues, and simply amazing time in our life. Everything was finally looking up and couldn’t be happier. However, one day crushed all that away.

My mother and I got into a verbal argument. Yes, it was heated. We were in a vehicle with my four-year-old daughter. So, I turned around to get back to my mother’s home so I could get in my vehicle and leave before something happens. Yes, I know how we work and I knew if I did not get out of that situation something bad would follow. Unfortunately, I didn’t get there fast enough. After both of us yelling and fighting back and forth. She looks at me tells me how much she hates me. How she wishes I was never born, I wasn’t her daughter, and so on. For about ten minutes I took this, then I screamed, “you would be happy if I just died, wouldn’t you. If we had a car wreck and I died. Or how about someone just came up and blew my brains out.”  She hit me on my arm, and at this point my daughter is bawling. At this point I am on her road, almost to her house. I turn to her and said you hit me one more time I will call the cops. She said something, honestly, I don’t remember. I stopped in the middle of the road, and pulled the keys out. She grabs ahold of my shirt, by near choking me. I snatch my shirt back and continue to get my daughter to calm her down. My mother is on the phone calling the cops saying I stole her truck and purse. Wow can you believe that. A mother calling filing a false police report because you are trying to get the situation under hand. I call my father to tell him he needed to get there because she would go to jail for hitting me, and filing a false police report. Well cops get there and nothing happens. However, my father gets there and says he was there the whole time and I am the issue. Wow aren’t I loved?

Well I go to her house to get my truck and trailer. I tell the officers I have a lot of stuff at her home but I was only worried about the important stuff. I was asked what could I get in a rush and I could get the rest after everything settled down.

It didn’t settle down. I go home and have a cop take me for a physiological test. My mother filed charges saying that I said I was going to hurt myself. I went and did the stupid test because if I didn’t I would have gone to jail. Of course, I pass everything with flying colors. The next day I go to get my order of protection papers, to be served with papers requesting custody of my kids. We have fought for two months, to prove we aren’t abusing or neglecting our kids. We had CPS telling us to move back to Tennessee where we had support. The kids were being taunted at school by their first cousins. Our life in Kentucky was hell.

So, we took the advice and picked up and moved in with family in TN, until we could afford our own place. My kids have been asked do they want something to do with my mother, and of course they say no. I believe in not focusing my kids to do something they don’t want to do. However, no I am the one in the wrong. I am being accused of holding my kids and only pawning them off when need be. Not putting their best of interest first. How is that? Am I wrong? How much do I put them through before they completely hate her? I mean she has ripped them from happiness of a family, home, community, and school. Not to add, now they aren’t allowed to see my brother and sister because they are minors and aren’t allowed to be around me.

Why is it, everyone is pointing fingers at me? Why am I just trying to keep my kids from all this, so wrong? Should I allow them to have a voice, or should I just say regardless in their best interest they don’t need yall. I don’t know anymore. This is tearing me apart. The hatred, the fighting, the arguing, and so much more.

Recent Events

It has been three months since my last blog. Unfortunately, because of recent events I was scared to post who I was or what I was writing about. When I started this blog, it was about overcoming everything I have been though in my life, and becoming a better person. However, everything that had me at a spot in life where I was happy, was ripped away from me.

My mother and I, have never had a relationship. Constantly, I am told how much I am hated, not good enough, told I am a horrible mother, I don’t listen to my kids, I only care about me, and so on. However, she isn’t the picture mother either. Growing up since 13 years old, I have been told I was the reason her and my father divorced. Not the fact, that she found out he had a woman on the side and was pregnant with my half-sister. Then later she married one of my childhood boyfriends. However, when he cheated on her and she needed somewhere to go, I opened my home to her. So, the years of her calling child services, being married to an ex-boyfriend, always making me feel like an issue. Yes, I took her in my home. I didn’t require her to pay any bills till she got a job and got on her feet. I don’t remember exactly how long it took but it was two months or more. Then she only payed 1/6th of the bills because there was 5 of us, and we didn’t need her money. Well she found out she had cancer, and started to try and rekindle a relationship with my father. They moved in together and remarried. This is where things started to go downhill.

My husband and father worked at the same place. My father was going to work talking crap about my spouse. It became difficult for him to go to work, and he made it where he had to seek employment elsewhere. Where he found a job with a company in Tennessee, and we found a home for rent from family member on my side. We moved in and avoided contact as much as possible. One day I went to see my mother and stay the weekend, it ended in me walking to the next town calling for a ride. She was screaming how shitty my spouse was, and was never there. So, I got a car, and went and got my kids and lost all contact. She went to my family members home that I was renting for, screaming at them for renting to me. Started a big mess, between us and them.  I SHOULD HAVE STAYED AWAY THEN AND NEVER LOOKED BACK. However, my father wrote me begging to have something to do with her, because of the cancer and not knowing. I went back and started a relationship. Now, I felt like leave the past in the past. The only way you can truly forgive is to forget.

This was this YEAR. My husband found a home and job, close to where they live. So that the kids could be around her, just in case her time on earth wasn’t long. However, it came to bit us in our ass….

8 years ago.

My husband decided to join the military, and try to provide for us. He was in basic when our second child was supposed to come into the world. However, the doctors called him home because it was high risk. Yes, this was a blessing but so hard to say goodbye two days later.

Then we received bad news five months later, that he was deploying overseas. Scared, confused, and stressed to the max because I didn’t want to be a single mother. However, we all knew there was nothing I could possibly do.

Two months before he deployed, we found out that our almost one-year-old had a cataract. We didn’t understand how a baby could have something, that older people usually get. They wanted to leave it alone, and give it time to see if it would get worse or better. However, we ended up having to do immediate surgery because she was almost blind. I was told basically, “do something today or don’t and she will be blind in less than 5 months.” My husband wanted to come home, but his command wouldn’t let him. Walking into recovery seeing my little girl screaming, crying, and blood going down her face was a night mare. This surgery scared my child for a life time. You may ask how because she was so young, she wouldn’t remember it. Ever since that surgery, anyone with nurse uniform, gloves, etc. on she would just start screaming bloody murder. Going to the eye doctor become an obstacle. Every time I had to straddle her and put eye drops in, broke another piece of my heart. They wanted to label her having “high functioning autism.” To this day I still say it’s just because she was scared, and different at handling it.

So, where is his/my family? I moved from being close to his family because they were no help. They only helped when it was convent for themselves. They refused to see their son off for deployment, didn’t write letters, and only answered every blue moon when he called them overseas.

So I headed closer to my mother, in hopes that we could kindle things. For a short period, everything was great. However, that was short lived by my mother and her now husband. Long story short, they came over and it turned into a fight. She pulled my hair out, and we ended up getting an order of protection. “I was at the point of who do I have, and where can I turn.”

This is the first time, that I secluded my kids and myself. I didn’t want to be hurt any more, let down, or feel like nothing but an issue. My only friends were on the computer, because they were fellow military wives. I became close with some of this individuals and could share everything with them.  This is how I found out that my husband was cheating online, and trying to get with a girl overseas. He heard from his family, that they had suspicion that I was cheating on him and people have saw it. Instead of calling me, he reacted this way. I filed for a divorce immediately, because at this point I felt like enough people have let me down. However, during the waiting period he got me to agree to waiting till he came home. Try and talk the remaining months, to try and make it work somehow for the kids. Mean less to say, there was no divorce. I cancelled it and waited for my solider to come home.  Can you blame me? No family, no friends, no job, I literally had nothing.

“I am so busy keeping my head above water that I scarcely know Who I am, much less who anyone else is.” – Sylvia Plath

This post is the beginning of my journey. When life started to take a turn for the worse.

A little about myself, I am 26 years old. I have been married since I was 17 years old. Unfortunately, finishing High School was not on my top priority list. There was a lot going on in my spouse’s family and my life. Senior year, I was married and pregnant. I was constantly told how, “I DO NOT NEED AN EDUCATION.” However, I disagreed and got my GED. This is where life just continued to take a turn for the worse.

We were rushed into marriage, because of a lot of factors. For starters, my spouse came from a home where he dealt with a step parent physically hitting him, and then putting him in a juvenile detention center for protecting himself. Countless times, I would get a phone call to come save him and simply couldn’t. It got to where he started sleeping on my couch every night. Where was his mother? Well she is the kind of women that stands by her man. This means regardless what it may cost her in the long run, she would do whatever he wants.

I also came from a messed up home. I remember my mother woke me, dragging me and my sibling out in the middle of the night. We would drive to a home, she would get out and start screaming bloody murder. She found my father, at his girlfriend’s house. Easy to say they divorced, when I was 11. From here, everything was my fault. I was the reason my father left. I never could do anything right, and I failed my family because I was supposed to turn out better. My mother was furious that I was pregnant. One night was so bad that she put her knee in my stomach. My solution was that I run away, but she called the cops on me. They took me to the juvenile detention center. They told me I could go home or go there. I chose to go there because I could not go back around her.  Day later they sent me back to her home. I was informed that she called an ex-boyfriend of mine, and told him he was the dad of my baby. So there was so much argument, betrayal, and so on.

The first year I was married, we had one child and another on the way. We had no job, no home, or simply nothing that was ours. How could we raise another child, in today’s society with nothing? Family helped during this point, but was sure to remind us of it, too. However, one night my mother and brother come home drunk to tell me that my mother is dating my ex-boyfriend, that they do drugs together, and so on. Trying to keep my head up, that I moved out of my mother’s on my 18th birthday. We moved into his family’s home, and tried to make things work there.

As for me and my spouse, we had our up’s and downs. No offense who wouldn’t at the age of 17, and so much growing to do.  We didn’t know ourselves, much less try and work together as one. Trying to make a marriage work at 17 was very hard, and looking back I do not know how we did it.

First blog post

So you may wonder, “why did I start this blog?” That question is more complicated than a short answer. This blog is mainly for me, because I need an outlet. If you are a mother, you know how it gets when you have children, husband, to-do list, and so on; there is no time for you to make friends or time for yourself. So simply having no one to talk to for over 9 years, I need a way to express how I feel, with no judgment.

So my plan for this blog is to connect with parents that are too busy taken care of others, and having no time for their self. Connect with people that deal with being the “black sheep” of the family, or simply dealing with life itself. Lastly, if your simply someone that just needs to know that you aren’t alone. Simply living your life trying to keep your head above water.

I would love feedback on how you relate, deal with it, and so on. Trust me, I cannot judge anyone because I know that no one is perfect.

Starting tomorrow, I will post about the past events that has led me to this point in my life. I really hope someone is able to connect, or understand without judgement.